"Seek not the good in external things. Seek it in thyself." - Epictetus

National Guard to deploy fleet of Tom Cruises to enforce mask wearing

In a Friday interview with Mann Commandly, chief of the National Guard Bureau, the press learned that the military reserve force is taking additional measures to ensure the safety of the public during this pandemic. Most prominent among these includes a decision to deploy a fleet of Tom Cruises to enforce the wearing of face masks. The choice was made after a particularly angry Tom Cruise successfully intimidated an entire film set into donning the protective cloths, as well as committing to social distancing and joining a popular cult. 

Though the Joint Chiefs of Staff initially considered the undertaking an impossible mission, they later learned that the Church of Scientology can readily produce as many as 500,000 Tom Cruises, ready to be deployed at a moment’s notice. “We actually began this effort back in ’87, when we initiated the Tom Cruise Cloning Project,” said church leader Cosmo Spacely. “Back then, we had minted an initial set of 100 Tom Cruises, to great critical acclaim and success. When we released them into nature, they quickly became productive members of society who ensured the safety of the American people, and enticed the public to support our humble little religion.”

When asked about one malfunctioning Tom Cruise, however, Spacely proved to be evasive. The faulty Cruise in question generated controversy back in 2019, when it could be seen screaming from the top of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai. The Cruise had scaled the massive building, hammering erratically on windows during its ascent and putting a fright in residents of the building. “Look,” said Spacely, “that’s all based on hearsay and when that Cruise was retrieved and returned to our factory, we saw no signs that it was defective. We’re convinced it was putting on some sort of performance act for an upcoming film.”

Some Tom Cruises had entered the testing phase last week, and could be seen flying over major U.S. cities, scanning the streets below for anyone in violation of mask wearing policies. “One of them reprimanded me personally for wearing my mask beneath my nose,” said Kay D. Homes, a Los Angeles restaurant worker and aspiring actress. “It was really quite something, and it taught me the value of Scientology – I mean, mask wearing. After I’d pulled up my mask, the Cruise exclaimed, ‘Woo!’ and flew off toward the Griffith Observatory. These Cruises are American patriots and I look forward to seeing them throughout our country.”

National Guard Bureau chief Commandly says the fleet could be deployed in full as soon as Monday. “We’ve had great results,” he said. “I’ve been given some sort of book on Dianetics which I’m told will help me fully understand the ultimate mission of the Tom Cruise collective. It will be looked over by the President next week as we roll out this campaign to establish the mass wearing of masks. The Church of Scientology will be working with us to ensure the success of this great undertaking. Honestly, I couldn’t be happier about it.”

The original Tom Cruise is expected to formally make the announcement this Sunday, when he will attend a charity fundraising webinar for the Church at a furniture store in Brooklyn. Called the Cruise Couch Dance-Off, it is expected to attract celebrities including Oprah and Joe Pesci. Viewers will attend online through a link provided by the Fun Good Time Scientology Club via Facebook.

“I really want a lot of people to attend,” Cruise said in a Tweet last week. “Are you dedicated to ending this pandemic and ensuring the domination of the Church of Scientology over our nation? Then show me the money!”

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